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    Help me pay my mortgage!


    Just finished a micro-site design - only 2 pages - but it's only purpose is as a sales letter. Can you guys look it over and pick it apart?

    I'm mostly interested in the on-page sales copy, since I am not really a copywriter. Does it sell you on the product? Anything missing? Is the call to action clear, and make you want to buy the book right now?

    http://www.desireprinciple.com


    I'm also interested in any other nitpicks. I'm a perfectionist, so any tiny imperfections, let me know.

    Thanks in advance!
    Take care,

    ... Christopher @ BeRomeo
    -----------------------------------------
    Download your Free Seduction eBook:
    http://www.BeRomeo.com
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    Manga,


    1) My eyes went to the picture of the girl on the left first. Might consider some text above or below her?

    2) Didn't realize it was available for immediate download until I made it to the second page. Seeing that on the front page may keep some people interested longer.

    3) The "Methods and Techniques" copy was pretty good, but down too far on the page. Anyway to bring that up higher?

    4) The "Six Girls in 5 minutes?!?" made me think "yeah right", and I would have left. The other stuff was good, like picking any girl you want, and how many women do you want this month. That bit just seemed a bit over the top.

    5) The "I'll pay you to try it out!" part could definitely be higher on the page. Everyone will read that if they see it. However, there's a bit too much text between that heading and the "200% Refund" heading, I would prune it a bit.

    The order page looked good to me.


    My wife is 8.5 months pregnant. Any quick tips on how I can hypnotize the baby to stop kicking her when the lights go off?


    Cheers,

    -Jeff
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    Awesome comments, Jeff. Exactly the type of stuff I was looking for. Gonna get on some of those changes right away...
    Originally posted by FrozenSandSpur
    My wife is 8.5 months pregnant. Any quick tips on how I can hypnotize the baby to stop kicking her when the lights go off?
    No clue.

    But I DO know how to hypnotize your babysitter into...

    Ah, nevermind, I don't condone cheating. ;-)
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    Originally posted by FrozenSandSpur

    My wife is 8.5 months pregnant. Any quick tips on how I can hypnotize the baby to stop kicking her when the lights go off?
    Hey Jeff, My wife is 8.5 months pregnant too... where is it that you live again? (lol)

    Actually my wife is slightly further along, the little bub due next week sometime.

    Can't help you with any tips though, getting the same thing here, last night there seemed to be a little party going on, the little one must be starting to look for the exit light ;)

    Good luck with it all.

    And Manga... definitely on your page, eyes definitely go to the girl on the left first - I'd maybe put the quote "Attract 8 Out of Every 10 Women You Meet - Quickly, Easily and Automatically!" directly above her, instead of just over in the center - it's almost dead space where you've got it now - once you get past the girl, you naturally move on to the start of the next section below her.

    There also might be a bit too much on the page... I guess I'm not exactly your target market, but I didn't feel inclined to read much more than the first couple of paragraphs... maybe the girl at the top is a little too distracting, maybe she needs to be a little further down?

    Either way, I think I'd probably get at least 3 or 4 different versions and test them for a few days each and measure your response (the hits on page 2 would be a good indicator I think) - start of with a couple of versions that are completely different, and then once you've got a good starting point, start making some minor modifications and measuring that... you're probably planning on doing that already, but just thought I'd be really obvious and point it out ;)
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    Hmmm I noticed ypou have the wrong ebook heh should be dating insider lol Jk. I would lose the hands and have them as more bold headers. Also that bit with your email seems to cause a disjunction and I'm not to crazy about the greyed out table containing the first header. I would take the image and perhaps even the copy from "Pick Out Any Woman You Want..." section futher down and use that as the top. Just a few thoughts.
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    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

    Points noted! Good stuff Toasty and SEO. I was going to add some CSS absolute positioning right above the girl with some good SEO text, so I think that would take care of that problem. I'm going to have to think over the other points - Toasty, I think you are absolute here, so I am going to move that quote - but SEO Guy, where would you suggest that header to go/what color instead of the grey?
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    Its not so much that its in the wrong place its that it clashes with most of the rest of the content. The pictures are very high quality and this page has the opportunity to look real pro however that grey table cell looks quite amateur and so throws off the rest of the page IMO. I would lose the grey cell and reformat the header in CSS so that it fit more tightly in the page
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    My 2 cents, for what they are worth...


    1. The woman in the picture on the left looks almost in anguish to me, I would look for another picture conveying a more desirable emotion that you want to see from the women you use the tricks on...

    2. If you are a perfectionist, you should say "As a limited introductory special..." rather than "As an limited..." On the same note, there are a few extra spaces in your copy. I find them bothersome to the eye and harass my coworkers about them whenever I see them...

    3. The sentence "Even if you weren't out to find this information today, I'm sure you will begin to realize that you may have stumbled across something magical today..." uses today twice...

    4. Write out the phrases you use visual emphasis for and see if that's what you want your scanning reader to pick up, some of them seem useless to me (such as the word understatement in bold)

    5. Given the price, I would consider moderating some of the overstatements. I mean for $37 I would be quite content to pick up a mere 5 out of 10 women. Moreover, many of your target buyers are probably starting from an even lower bases (maybe 0 out of 10?) and would thus be happy enough with a smaller and more credible pitch.

    6. I am always extremely sceptical about this kind of offers (but your target market are those few that aren't) so I like to find out early on the "calibre" of advice you are trying to sell. I liked your little flirting tip - I think it would make me read on if I found it higher up.
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    Re: My 2 cents, for what they are worth...


    Originally posted by asalko
    snip...
    Asalko,

    Thanks for the comments! I am getting to work on these right away. (By the way, the woman on the left changes every time the page is reloaded... )
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    Hi Manga,

    Your sales letter looks very good! One thing that you might like to consider is dropping the third paragraph that reads:

    "As an limited introductory special, save $10 when you purchase Seduction: The Desire Principle right now!"

    When your prospects arrive at your page, they know within a few seconds that you're trying to sell them something. This puts them in a negative frame of mind while reading the rest of your letter.

    It's always more effective to introduce your price after you've actaully conveyed the benefits of your product. This way they'll be able to absorb your offer with an open mind, and be more likely to make a purcahse.

    Jon
    Last edited by I Am The Walrus!; Sep 6th, 2003 at 01:59 PM.
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    Just incase you didn't fully understand my advice Manga, here's why you should rethink your sales copy...

    ...The psychology is all backwards! This is how your sales letter reads:

    1. Attention Grabbing Headline
    2. Time Sensitive Offer
    3. Product Introduction
    4. Solution Benefits
    5. Identifying The Problem
    6. Guarantee

    It should be this way:

    1. Attention Grabbing Headline
    2. Identifying The Problem
    3. Product Introduction
    4. Solution Benefits
    5. Time Sensitive Offer
    6. Guarantee

    Go through your copy, rearrange it using the latter formula, and you'll see an increase in your conversion rate.

    Jon
    Last edited by I Am The Walrus!; Sep 8th, 2003 at 05:08 PM.
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    Originally posted by I Am The Walrus!
    Just incase you didn't fully understand my advice Manga, here's why you should rethink your sales copy...

    Sweet, I actually hadn't even considered that first bit of advice you gave me until you pointed it out... I mean, c'mon - even the lamest copywriter knows not to write the price first! DOH! Thanks for pointing it out to me. I like your breakdown of my letter too - gonna get to work now. Thanks for the tips, I'll re-post as soon as I make the changes y'all recommend.

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