Need a Critique of some Copy

First of all, thanks for your continued help with my website, www.yourbestbodynow.com.

At any rate, I need for a few people who have been pretty successful at writing long ad copy to critique my index.html. I know that the bottom line is what the consumers respond to, however, I am looking for some input as to any obvious basic componenets that it may be missing, as well as good ideas on things that I can do some split testing on. The only thing that I KNOW that I need to add (and intend to soon) is a P.S. or two at the bottom that handles a few more objections....

Home page is way too looooooooooooooooong.

I'd second Gator. You must do something to enshort the content of the page. Nobody will read all of this

The input is much appreciated, but are you guys proficient at long copy? I find that the average person says "no one will read all of that", but then sites like www.musclegaintips.com and www.burnthefat.com sell tens of thousands of programs. I

I think what Ramses357 and the other sites mentioned are doing is substituting on-page optimisation in the form of long copy to get important key phrases in as much as possible. I counted about 104 instances of “weight loss” on your home page – you do need a long page to get than many in. Because of the competitiveness of the targeted key phrases we are talking about here, massive amounts of back-links would be needed so that off-page optimisation takes precedence and eliminates the need for long copy. Note that the No. 1 page in Google for “weight loss” has much shorter copy.

The No. 1 page in Google for weight loss has 8,300 back-links in Yahoo and yourbestbodynow.com has 879 in Yahoo. I believe, for the time being, considerably more back-links is the way forward to increase the ranking of your site. If you achieve this and actually get more back-links then your competitors you may then be able to get away with shorter copy and longer page titles.

Long Copy verses Short Copy

It is a proven fact that long sales copy out-sells short sales copy. However, some visitors do prefer a short sales letter. You can provide your visitors with both. For those who prefer a short sales letter, provide opportunities to click through to your order page prior to ending your sales letter.

wimbeldon and pdirect, your input has been VALUABLE.

The reason that I have long copy is for sales, not backlinks. However, I did make the sales letter KW rich because anything helps. I understand that massive BLs are what I need at this point as far as rankings are concerned. I feel that I have received excellent information on this forum at how to build traffic. I"m currently slowing down my efforts in that department to work on conversion. Once the conversion rate is respectable, I'll go wild on traffic generation (although I'll never completely stop building BL's for traffic. I think it has the same effect on a website is taking vitamins and eating healthy each day. BIG results over a long period of time.

Thanks guys

I would add another opportunity to purchase at the top of the letter - within the first 2 paragraphs. Where is says "click here to listen" would probably be better as "click here to order".

I'd also get rid of all the top naivigation. Too easy to get people to slip away with that and not read your copy. And I'd definately remove anything that can be thought of as gimicky or negative like "affiliates". That takes focus off of buyng the product and puts it on selling, making the viewer aware you are in it for the money (of course you are, but you don't need to advertise it).


Remove "but" and make the guarantee. Very few people will take the time to return a product even if they aren't satisfied. And the guarantee is a very positive enforcement that your product is legit.

Otherwise it looks good. I'm having a hard time reading it because I'm skinny and the last thing I want to do is loose weight so the message doesn't apply to me.

Good luck!

lol.......well, if you want to gain weight you should go to musclegaintips.com

I will definitely test adding a chance to buy earlier on in the copy (or maybe a couple). I also plan to heed your advice regarding the guarantee verbage.

Regarding the top navigation, i actually want people to do some clicking around to discover some of the content. Not to mention that I am in the process of placing a call to action on each page. Even now, statistically very few people stray away from the salesletter. Those that do probably want more information (e.g. "feel me out") before moving further...these people aren't going to buy on the spot anyway (personality type). I do, however, need to get MUCH better at closing the sale on other pages in time though.